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The Anamoly"I'm anything but ordinary." October 27 Transformation 72% When you are on a constant roll, it hurts to have reality come slap you across the cheeks to wake you up, but sometimes it's necessary to keep you alive, keep you alert and conscious. The accounting midterm is the rude awakening this year. It shattered my illusion of perfection, of egocentric imaginations. It woke me up to realize that, despite praises and confidence, none of it needs to be backed by potential. Only numbers are backed by potential, and when those numbers don't accurately reflect the degree of potential, it's time to reevaluate yourself. But, most importantly, taking something that may be a disincentive to continue on this thorn-filled rocky path, and transforming the disappointment, the rage, the passion into something extraordinary -- an insurmountable, uncontainable, indestructible surge of energy that shatters the notion of impossibility into pieces. This is where human ambition and motivation planted its roots. It's not the glory of success that helps us grow, but the pain and humility in failure that sharpens, hardens, and shapes our attitude to never forfeit in this race we call life. Race with who? With your own potential, with your own identity. As of now, I am behind by a few miles. But I'm picking up speed and beginning to see the obstacles, the rocks, the pieces of splinters on the ground that may hinder me from catching up to my potential and matching him. He is but a shadow that has strayed too far, and will now come back, because I will make him. I will take him in, digest him, and understand every little detail this world obliges me to. I will stop at nothing. Watch out, I'm coming. September 28 Expectations In the end, even if it had mattered in the beginning, it wouldn't matter anymore. In the end, timing would have been the answer. In the end, I am not the one to blame. In the end, I am still fighting for myself. In the end, I stray further from emotion. In the end, I become numb, indifferent, and callous. In the beginning, I was sensitive, affected, and meticulous. In the beginning, I exuded affection. In the beginning, I fought for everything you stood for. In the beginning, I was my own problem. In the beginning, timing was everything. In the beginning, even if it didn't ultimately matter, it meant everything to me. Now I'm back at zero. September 03 2nd Year Is fast approaching. I do not think I am ready. Maybe I should stop thinking about it, and it'll go away. Like Uncle Wang said, it's only a matter of time, and my time is not now. So, keep doing what I've been doing in the past, maintain that mental momentum, and someday, somehow, somewhere, the desired outcomes, the target output we want from life will unveil itself and yet, amid a fast pace in life, there continues to be a void in my life. It's not that I am desperately lonely, nor am I sexually active, I am more or less a little of both, but essentially, it's the lack of spiritual support that creates uncertainty, confidence and the lack thereof. There are a multitude of goals I am pursuing in life and a number of iconic characters and companies I respect, and yet, where does that leave myself in the masses we call the human race, and how am I to impact anyone in the 6-billion person market? It may be that the answers in life are simply sitting around the corner waiting to be discovered, waiting to be received within a ray of insight beaming from the sun. It may be that motivation, the race for technological advancement, for success, for profit, for the ideal concept of utility and love, and for a meaningful existence, is all just a game that we signed ourselves up to play in. August 16 Guessing Guesses Assumptions only take you so far, and then realization hits you when there isn't a message for a day. For two days. For even longer than two days. That's when you say to yourself, all those things you had wished were true, were never true. And from the oblivious person's perspective, this is all trivial, in fact, negligible. That's when you begin to wonder whether you're even the slightest bit schizophrenic, or delusional. You start to reevaluate your identity, your perception, and realize that, much of it is yet to be in firm foundation. You just wish you had known this earlier, but caught up in imaginations, you would never have come to this conclusion during the time of infatuation anyway. You begin to wonder, is it that, you're too focused on school, disregarding the importance of humbleness, patience, sensitivity, and courage? Or perhaps you have lost the ability to determine whether someone is making a move or purely being amiable? I don't know. I want to know. August 12 Final Exams Do not fill the abyss in my life, that gaping crevasse that so often pokes and tugs me. I have temporarily resigned from pursuit, due to emotional overwhelming. The harder you try to look for that one thing you want in your life, the harder it'll come to you. So, the less I look, the easier it'll come to me? It doesn't make sense, but then again, nothing in this world does anymore. A world in which people have no direction, no motivation, no sympathy, is the world we so dearly take for granted. While sitting at the cafeteria at Robarts, I've observed a man walking pass the same escalators for about 10 times now. He could be lost, bored, or just retarded. Most likely the last one, but, why so cynical? Perhaps he is happy doing that. Let him be contented. July 09 Gaming Addiction Starcraft was my gem for around 5 years, starting in 7th grade. The micro. The macro. The arrogance and conceitedness of status...in game aptitude. That was a few years ago. I'm now officially hooked onto something else. Yes it did take me about 4 years to catch up to everyone else, but I have nevertheless, inevitably. Defense of the Ancients, or more colloquilly: dota. Pwned, noob, dota-ing, farm, tank, stun, and other unnecessary descriptions about mothers are generally familiar terms in the realm of dota. But, what is truly captivating about the game? The mechanisms of hero killing and item building seemed to be the main focus behind the creators of dota (not Blizzard, I believe). The myriad combinations of abilities and weaponry enhance the gaming experience beyond much of what had been popular in the 90s (i.e. Starcraft, sigh). The effects, illustrations, and design of combat and setting complete the addictive experience and engulfs conscience, rendering patience inexistent and judgment of priorities damaged. Is this actually advantageous in the social or psychological sense? Surely it's a drug like no other, but is it really that different from the typical narcotic or depressant? Social life goes down the drain. Academic strength debilitates. Vocabulary contracts. Love life perishes. Identity sits in oblivion. And speech becomes synchronized with the gaming environment. I am blind, not deaf. July 05 Reaffirmation Nope, not going to work. It was never meant to be, hence, back we go into our lives. Perhaps in 2 years time. More probably, never. It's like a broken relationship, never to be visited or touched again. This is who we are.
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